i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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