Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
