just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize