I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize