Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
