between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
