im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
