You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
