i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
