I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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