Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
