Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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