My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
