your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
