Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
