I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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