You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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