Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
