If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
