I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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