a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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