My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
