Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize