someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
