Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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