Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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