I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
