I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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