i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
