I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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