everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
