i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
