It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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