I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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