I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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