WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
