I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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