the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize