I wish my penis had an off switch
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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