I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
why do cheetos always look like penises
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Randomize
