Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
