If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
