Need sex. Gaining weight.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
