I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
