someone get that fucking seahorse.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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