Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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