I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
