you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
