i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i now understand why vodka
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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