My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
