I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
