They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Shame - the story of my life.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
