sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
