Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
