If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
