Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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