You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
