We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
