Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
third nipple confirmed
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
