If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize