Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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