I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
