I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
