fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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